Archive for the ‘Cheeseball Cinema’ Category

SHARKNADO 5We have a tradition here at Cheeseball Cinema and that is we never miss an opportunity to review a Sharknado film. We have at one point reviewed every single Sharknado movie up to date except for one. Every time this film airs, I manage to not be anywhere near a television to catch it when it premieres so that is why I rely on Netflix to give it to me so that I can review it. In this one, Fin (Ian Ziering), April (Tara Reid), and now a little older Gil (Billy Barratt) are in the UK for a meeting on how to better prepared for another attack. Unfortunately, Finn gets called to Stonehenge thanks to Nova (Cassandra Scerbo) where they discover that these attacks have happened before in history, but after stealing a stone from it’s hiding spot, it causes one of the most deadliest Sharknados ever and it engulfs poor little Gil who they have to attempt to rescue before it’s too late. The film also stars Chris Kattan (A Night At The Roxbury) as Prime Minister, Samantha Fox (Three Kinds Of Heat) as Ms Moore, but you can’t forget the special cameos made by Charo as the Queen, Fabio as the pope, Downtown Julie Brown, Bret Michaels, Olivia Newton-John, Tony Hawk, Greg Louganis, Tiffany Pollard, John Morrison, Bai Ling, Geraldo Rivera, The Today Show, Good Morning Britain, and the film was directed by Anthony C. Ferrante (Boo).

Sharknado theater sceneNothing much changes from film to film because it’s the same old overacting from some of them and more bad acting from the now almost completely robotic Tara Reid. Hwer character is practically just a cyborg which might explain why she’s not good at showing emotion. She has the same look on her face when Thomas Ian Nichols was explaining how much he loved her in American Pie as to losing her son in this one. I thought making Fabio the pope was a little ballsy while Bret Michaels looked like he was having fun being stuck to a bus while also getting eaten by a shark eventually. Cassandra Scerbo is the only one that showed some acting skills towards the end of the film as they were starting to (SPOILER ALERT) kill everyone off. Then we get a surprise at the end of the film that could mean more Sharknado films as they mocked Back To The Future as well as Bond films, Godzilla, and even Indiana Jones. Listen we all know that the film is all about having fun we cause we know that its a cheesy film and nothing else. So you have to go into this just to sit back, relax, and have fun because it’s going to be one interesting ride.  They went all out with this one where we travel the globe from London to Australia, Japan, Egypt, and even Brazil. It’s awesome having an imagination. On a scale of one ebing close to an A-List Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to give this one an 4.6 for a final grade.

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Confessions Of A Pop Performer TheaterAs I had stated in the last Cheeseball Cinema post, I had discovered that there were more 70’s British sex comedies that I had not yet explored. I am at times a completest and it is in me to finish the Adventures of and Confessions of series. For today’s Cheeseball Cinema film, we are looking at the second film in the Confessions series entitled. Confessions of a Pop Performer. The film once again follows our lovable klutz Timothy Lea (Robin Askwith) and his scheming brother in law Sidney Noggett (Anthony Booth). This time around after going to a club, Sidney decides that he is going to become a entertainment manager for a local band named Kipper: Nutter Normington (Peter Cleall), Petal (Richard Warwick), Zombie (David Auker), Eric (Maynard Williams), and Blow (Mike King). The only problem is that the drummer gets injured and Timothy is forced to step into the role, but will it go well? The film also stars Sheila White (Oliver!) as Rosie, Bob Todd (Superman III) as Mr. Barnwell, Jill Gascoine (BASEketball) as Mrs. Barnwell, Peter Jones (Chariots Of Fire) as Maxy Naus, Carol Hawkins (When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth) as Jill Brown, Maggie Wright (The Saint) as Ruth, Anita Kay (Heartland) as Sonia, Sally Harrison (And Now The Screaming Starts!) as Patsie, and the film was directed by Norman Cohen (The Blue Max). 

Confessions Of A Pop Performer Cinema SceneI am at this point a very big fan of Robin Askwith and his Timothy Lea character and all of the trouble that he gets himself into just by being a klutz. One trick that the filmmaker should have learned is that if you’re actor does not know how to play drums then you probably shouldn’t show him failing at it. There was one scene towards the end when Timmy is not behind the drum kit and yet there is drums in the song. Those were just some of the small technical issues that they should have thought about before hand. One thing that I always thought was true was how close Robin Askwith looks with Mick Jagger and one girl in the film thinks she is having sex with Mick and not Timmy Lea. That was a fun little jab at Robin that he obviously seemed OK with in the film. As per usual in a film like this, there is plenty of T&A and some 70’s bush to go with it so if you love it, this has it. In most of the films I reviewed for the series, I had always said that Askwith and Booth were the MVP’s of the film, but this time around Askwith is the lone star in a film that didn’t have as much comedy as the previous film reviewed. There’s plenty of hi-jinx, but just not a lot of laughs as expected from the series. This is a definitely a film worth checking out at least once and especially if you like the previous films. On a scale of one being close to an A-List Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to give this one a 2.9 for a final grade.

Confessions Of A Pop Performer Collage

From Left to Right In every row: Anita Kay, Jill Gascoine, Margaret Heald, Maggie Wright, Sally Harrison, and Helli Louise 

Adventures Of A Taxi Driver TheaterIt has been a little while since the last Cheeseball Cinema and I wanted to choose one that I thought I would enjoy as much as you hopefully. There was a whole series of sex comedy films in England that either went by the title of Confessions of a… or Adventures of a… and I thought that I had covered them all. That was the case for a while until I discovered that there was one more film to cover and I jumped at the chance to cover Adventures Of A Taxi Driver which was actually the first film in the series. The film stars  Barry Evans (The Mystery Of Edwin Drood) as our taxi driver named Joe. Joe’s home life is not the ideal one with a brother who is a thief and a mother who depends on him way too much. After some misadventures and a move from home, Joe gets himself into quite the predicament when his taxi fair ends up being some kidnappers. The film also stars Judy Geeson (The Lords Of Salem) as Nikki, Adrienne Posta (To Sir, With Love) as Gloria,  Diana Dors (Oliver Twist) as Mrs. North, Jane Hayden (Warship) as Linda, Robert Lindsay (Wimbledon) as Tom, Angela Scoular (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) as Marion,  Prudence Drage (A Clockwork Orange) as Mrs. Barker, Gloria Maley (Horror Planet) as Dora, Anna Bergman (Avalon) as Helga, and the film was directed by Stanley A. Long (Naughty!).

hqdefaultThis was a very interesting film to say the least and at first you may wonder just what in the heck is the film about? The film is about a taxi driver who finds himself in very lucky situations with women, but the outcomes are never lucky. For example, he picks up a transsexual thinking it’s a female until he finds something down under. He helps a woman get back into your house and in the tub only for the husband to all of a sudden come home. So, it’s safe to say that the film is about his constant misadventures and how messed up things get with him as the film goes along. Despite all of the sex and the naked women (which is the selling point of the film), I actually enjoy all of his mishaps because some of them can be funny. You especially see this in the last twenty minutes of the film or so because things heat up by then. There is plenty of T&A to go around in this film that will please any fan of the genre. The difference with these films is the fact that while it might be cheesy, the acting is really good as the film features some legends as mentioned above like Judy Geeson who starred in films like To Sir, With Love, 10 Rillington Place, and even Rob Zombie’s 31. There are other names in the film as well that are famous for British television and more in the film. You also have to remember that sex is not that taboo in Europe as it was in America in the 1970’s. On a scale of one being close to an A-list Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to give the film an 2.

Adventures of a taxi driver collage

From Left to Right Clockwise: Jane Hayden, Gloria Maley, Anna Bergman, and Prudence Drage

Count Draculas Great LoveI have done so many Cheeseball Cinema posts on this blog that sometimes it is hard to find new material to talk about. I try and cover films that I find to be interesting and then I report them back to you and I hope that the least I can do is entertain all of you. This year at The Rock & Shock Horror Convention in Worcester this past October, I stopped by The Vinegar Syndrome table and I purchased some DVD’s to watch and you saw some of the reviews for Eddie’s 31 Days Of Halloween, but I saved one for Cheeseball Cinema. Some people do not realize that some great horror has come out of Europe and today’s film Count Dracula’s Great Love comes to us from Spain. The story follows four college girls as they travel back from a brief vacation in Europe. One unfaithful day, the carriage loses a wheel and the driver is killed by one of the horses leaving the girls stranded. With no other choice, the girls are forced to spend the night in a creepy old asylum that was purchased by a mysterious doctor (Paul Naschy) who may or may not be a Vampire. The film also stars Haydée Politoff (Bora Bora) as Karen, Rosanna Yanni (Fangs Of The Living Dead) as Senta, Mirta Miller (Bolero) as Elke, Ingrid Garbo (Maniac Mansion) as Marlene, Víctor Barrera (The Terrorist) as Imre, and the film was co-written and directed by Javier Aguirre (Sol).

Count Dracula's Great Love On Big ScreenI just wanted to say that I actually wish that I withheld this one and saved it for next year’s Eddie’s 31 Days Of Halloween. That is how surprisingly good that this film really was for a 70’s Spanish horror flick that had it all from the vampire to the beautiful women and even a great set that helped paint the picture. The acting seemed to be very well, but the film is overdubbed in English so I’m sure it was great in Spanish as well. There is a cool sequence in the film when Karen is reading from Van Helsings book and it shows one of Dracula’s kills, but it does it with a negative filter which I thought was pretty cool. The film kind of has a hiccup in one aspect of the writing that kind of bothered me towards the end of the film so I’m throwing a spoiler alert warning right now. Dracula’s whole mission in the film was to find a girl who fell in love with him on her own meaning that he didn’t convince her with his powers. The reason for that is that it will bring back his daughter from the dead. He decides to drop all of that in favor of love because he has never felt a love like hers and he dumps his daughters casket in the river. When she refuses to turn willingly into a vampire, he then kills himself which is poetic justice because that is what a woman will do to a man or the undead! The women in the film are beautiful and the film is actually pretty damn good so I am recommending this one to any horror fan. On a scale of one being close to an A-List Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to give the film an 1.9 for a final grade.

Ingrid Garbo, Rosanna Yanni, and Loreta Tovar

Cheeseball Cinema The RoomThis is a very special edition of Cheeseball Cinema because I wasn’t going to have another one for you guys for at least a week or so. Last night, I traveled to one of my local theaters to see a film that is considered the best worst movie ever made or the Citizen Kane of worst movies ever made in The Room. With James Franco releasing The Disaster Artist in a month or so, I couldn’t resist the chance to cover this film for Cheeseball Cinema. Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a pretty successful banker in San Francisco who seems to have it all from a beautiful fiance in Lisa (Juliette Danielle) and all these friends that seem to care about him. We all know that nothing on the surface is ever the same deep down and we find that out when Lisa one day gets bored of Johnny and decides to go after his friend Mark (Greg Sestero) one month before their wedding. Can they keep this secret from Johnny and what will happen if he finds out, nothing will be the same ever again! The film also stars Philip Haldiman (The Overnight) as Denny, Carolyn Minnott (That’s My Bush!) as Claudette, Robyn Paris (Mr. Jinx) as Michelle, Mike Holmes (The Waking Dead) as Mike, and the film was written and directed by Tommy Wiseau. 

Juliette Danielle

Juliette Danielle

They are not kidding when they say that this is the worst movie ever made and I thought that about Troll 2. There are so many things wrong with this film from the minute it starts to the minute it ends. First of all, the acting in this film is just absolutely horrendous for the most part and there are times that I am not sure what Tommy Wiseau says in the film. Second, who in the hell taught him how a chicken sounds when he’s calling someone a chicken because it’s just ridiculously wrong. Third, after every major scene, they remedy it with a sex scene that lasts longer than most of your dialogue driven scenes. Those were actually the saving grace of the film even though you can tell that Tommy was having sex with her belly button. The fourth thing that bothered me is that this film did a terrible job at letting you know who a new character was. Tommy just assumed that you would get the picture and just understand that the new character was important. The fourth thing is at times, we were given way too many establishing shots of San Francisco that it seemed like we were in an episode of Full House until Juliette or Tommy showed up on screen. You have to give it to these guys, they may have created the worst film ever made that we all enjoy watching, but you have to give them credit for doing so. It takes a lot of guts to create such a disastrous masterpiece and own up to it for the rest of your life. On a scale of one being a real Hollywood movie (like my Tommy play on words there) and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to have to give this one an 3.9 for a final grade only because I love it.

Death SpaSo, the other day I realized that I still had one more film left to watch from the VHSPS  (VHS Preservation Society) collection that I had for Cheeseball Cinema. So, I decided what better time than now to cover the film Death Spa for Cheeseball Cinema. The film stars William Bumiller (Boat Trip) as Starbody Health Spa owner Michael Evans who seems to have it all from the hot girlfriend and the most happening spa in Hollywood. Unfortunately for him, things start to go wrong at his spa when his girlfriend Laura (Brenda Bakke) has an accident in the club that almost cost her life. The accident causes a downward spiral as it seems that something sinister won’t stop until everyone dies inside the club as accident after accident begins to happen. The film also stars Merritt Butrick (Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan) as David, Robert Lipton (As The World Turns) as Tom, Alexa Hamilton (Three For The Road) as Priscilla Wayne, Ken Foree (Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III) as Marvin, Chelsea Field (Masters Of The Universe) as Darla, Shari Shattuck (On Deadly Ground) as Catherine, Tane McClure (Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas) as Vicky, Rosalind Cash (The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8TH Universe) as SGT. Stone, and the film was directed by Michael Fischa (My Mom’s A Werewolf). 

Brenda BakkeOne thing is for sire when it comes to this film is that there is plenty of T&A and some ridiculous 80’s outfits like some awful shoulder pads that Ken Foree has on to make him look tougher. The confusing thing about the film at times is that there is two different scenarios playing out in the same film and it’s a little annoying. You have the scenario that quite possibly that his dead wife is coming back to haunt him so she is causing some accidents to happen. The other scenario is that his lawyer is trying to sabotage the place so that he can buy it for cheap. Here’s the thing with that, if you wanted that to be a subplot then you should have the film be about that instead of the other major plot twist that we get as well. The one thing I will say is that the film had some decent star power to it and that story wasn’t that bad. The film was actually pretty decent considering it was made by the same people behind the Faces Of Death franchise. One of the appealing things to me was the kills as some of them were pretty unique like the girl who is melted by acid that comes out of the sprinkler system or the exploding heads. There is some corny kills like the cartoonish fish that kills a man and plenty more. The film has a little bit of an identity crisis, but it’s at least entertaining for the most part. Check it out for yourself through VHSPS or by finding it online. On a scale of one being close to an A-List Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I would have to give this one an 2.8 for a final grade.

deathspa2

How Do I Look?

Spare Parts Cheeseball PicI am finally starting to catch up on the all the films that I wanted to cover for Cheeseball Cinema which is one of my favorite segments to do. At last years Rock and Shock Horror Convention, I purchased some DVD’s from VHSPS (VHS Preservation Society) and one of the films I purchased is today’s film in Spare Parts (a.k.a. Fleisch). The film stars Jutta Speidel (For Heavens Sake) and Herbert Herrmann (Hexenschuß) as newlywed couple Monica and Mike. All they want to do is enjoy their honeymoon for some reason in New Mexico, but a sinister plot is going on at the Honeymoon Inn. People are being kidnapped and sold as unwilling organ donors at a nearby hospital. After two EMT’s failed to capture Monica, she partners up with a truck driver by the name of Bill (Wolf Roth) to get to the bottom of the issue and to try and save her husband from being butchered meat. The film also stars Charlotte Kerr (Mit siebzig hat man noch Träume) as Dr. Jackson, Christoph Lindert (Der Schlaf der Vernunft) as The Intern, Bob Cunningham (It Started In Naples) as Sergeant,  Tedi Altice as the hotel owner, Ben Zeller (Dances With Wolves) as medic, and the film was written and directed by Rainer Erler (Operation Ganymed).

Jutta SpeidelOne of the true highlights of this German film was the acting done by Wolf Roth who was absolutely superb in this TV Movie that was otherwise plagued with issues. I am not sure if it was the transfer from VHS to DVD that VHSPS did or the film itself, but the overdub was a little annoying. You could hear the audio at times before the lips ever moved and it gave me quite the task to judge their performances. Back to Wolf, he was the cool, calm, and collected truck driver who you knew in the back of his mind wanted a piece of Monica, but he was too good of a person to do so. Some of the acting from certain cast members was a little bit questionable, but overall they did a pretty decent job. My biggest issue is with how the film and the story played out. Mike gets kidnapped, she runs away, and manages to get rescued by Bill. They devise a plan to get captured and it works, but they have the truck drivers to watch their backs before they become slabs of meat. They manage to find out about the operation after stripping a man to his tighty whities and sticking him in the meat freezer. They successfully get in and deliver the EMT’s only to get trapped themselves. They travel to New York where she manages to escape again only for her to get detained by the police who for some reason decide to help her out. The only problem is that she has to team with the doctor in charge of this to get her man out before it’s too late. That is all after she was told that it was known who she was all along before she went to New York. Why all of a sudden the change of heart for the doctor and why should Monica trust her? It just went all over the place and that bothered me a little because I know where I would have gone with the story. There is the obligitory sex scene that is required in every late 70’s/80’s horror film. So check it out if you can at your own risk. On a scale of one being close to an A-List Hollywood film and five being the cheesiest film of all time, I am going to give it an 2.8 for a final grade because it was better than the last film I did.